


The Question

by sillyboyblue



Category: The Hitcher (1986)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-28 17:13:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8454973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sillyboyblue/pseuds/sillyboyblue
Summary: "If I only knew the effect my words would have on you, I would not have said them... I should have begun with the question, my love..."





	

Jim sensed something was wrong with John during the entire meal until the older man skipped dessert and left the table to sit in his armchair in the shadow of the living room. He dared not disturb him in what appeared to be some intense reflexion. John looked nervous, almost worried. Either way he was much more serious than Jim had ever seen him. After ten minutes during which no word was spoken between the two, Jim finally broke the silence.

"What's wrong ? Are you ill ?"

John would admit he was not feeling well. His stomach protested against his last meal and his palms were sweaty. Had he not been in the dark, Jim would have noticed how pale he had turned. John cleared his throat before answering the question.

"I am not ill, but terribly and irreversibly sick in the mind."

"I never thought you'd admit it."

Jim let out a humorless chuckle. This response did not satisfy him. John did not sound the way he usually did when playing with Jim's head. He sounded exhausted and troubled, two things Jim did not think him capable of being. To his surprise, John spoke again.

"I have a question... But I do not know if I can ask it."

This interrogation caught Jim off-guard. His John was not like this. If John had decided he would do something, he would do it, no matter what it was.

"Oh, I'm sure you've got it in you to ask a simple question."

It was John's turn to laugh softly, almost dryly, as if the words that amused him an instant no longer did.

"What I mean, Jim, is that I wonder if I have the permission to ask this question."

Despite the way he wanted to be perceived, John was not amused. It did not escape the younger man's attention.

"It has never stopped you before."

It was very true. John Ryder took and took and took, without caring about the opinions or the feelings of those around him. He was only aware of his own.

"My, my, such witty comebacks. Who taught you ?"

He seemed impressed yet there was a hint of irony in his words, something bitter in his intonation. Once again Jim noticed it and it only served to worry him more.

"Now is not the time for games" John began, "But for thinking.  
I have been thinking a lot lately. I have been thinking about our relationship, and about what it makes us. We could say we are partners, friends, lovers... When I realized I wanted more. You know me, I always want more than I have, and I want it just for me. But this whole experience, including living with you, made me realize that my life does not revolve around me alone. You are a part of my life, a very important part. So I realized I did not want more for myself, but for us."

Jim was at a loss for words. What did this whole speech mean ? What was the "more" that John wanted ? What did "more", in this context, mean ?

"Are you sure you are not ill ?"

He wanted to take John by the hand and drag him to bed where he would cure him from whatever disease plagued him and caused him to act so different.

"If I am ill, then it is your fault. I may have fallen deathly ill from loving you too much. From holding your hand so tightly I could crush it and keep it in mine forever. From kissing you too roughly with dry lips until our mouths bleed and our teeth are tired of colliding. From making love to you in the early hours of the morning when the first rays of sunlight fall on our noses. I may have caught a disease after those moment but I would never regret it if I did."

Jim felt tears prickle at the corner of his eyes. His breath caught in his throat and he suppressed a sob. He spoke with a shaking voice and a sad smile.

"You must be truly dying if you are saying this to me..."

John understood his mistake and got to his feet. He turned around to face Jim who was standing by the chair, as immobile as a statue. He saw the hardly held back tears glistening in the boy's eyes and his quivering lower lip. Such a sad expression on a juvenile face striked John as wrong. He walked up to Jim and held him tightly. He let him cry on his shoulder as he whispered : "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... I'm not ill... I'm not dying..." while rubbing his back and rocking him slowly.

"If I only knew the effect my words would have on you, I would not have said them... I should have begun with the question, my love..."

Jim only spoke when his uncontrolable sobbing ceased. He sniffled pitifully and nearly whimpered.

"What question ?"

John smiled and ruffled Jim's hair affectionately, hoping this simple gesture would push the boy to forgive him faster.

"Jim, you know I love you."

He guided his lover to the armchair and his hands weighed on his shoulders as to order him to sit down. Jim obeyed but he looked revolted.

"What question, John ? Are you going to kill me ?"

No, John thought. After all this time, Jim still did not trust him. He did not show the pang of deception that tugged at his heart.

"Listen to me. Listen. To. Me. I never wanted to kill you. I knew you would survive because I had decided that you would. This is selfish. But this is how I am."

Jim nodded. Exasperation was written all over his features and his fists were clenched. All sign of him ever crying was gone.

"Hell yeah you are. You are one selfish, greedy, despicable bastard."

He nearly spat out the words and did not regret them. What could John do to him anyway ? Kill him ? He would not even try.

"I hate you so much."

He added. This, however, he regretted, because it was anything but true. He could not hate John. He loved him. He truly loved him more than his own life after the man almost took it. He could die for him, and he would if he had to.

"Now answer the fucking question : What were you going to ask me ?"

John hesitated to answer. Jim sounded furious and it would not get him a positive answer.

"Jim, you know I love you. You are the only good thing in my life. For so long I had no goal and nowhere to go, and then you found me. You gave me so much more than I could ever give you in return. This is why..."

He took a deep, shaky breath before speaking again.

"This is why I want to ask you this."

He got down on one knee and took a little black box out of his pocket. On a light purple velvet cushion was a simple silver band. Jim covered his mouth as tears filled his eyes. He did not know if he could speak. John smiled at his lover's reaction.

"Jim Halsey, will you marry me ?"

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfiction is also known as the one time I forgot that same-sex marriage was illegal in the eighties. Who cares, they'll get married in secret.


End file.
